Healthy Boundaries Aren't What You Think

Boundaries have become a bit of a buzzword, haven’t they? They're everywhere on social media, often framed as the solution to everything from difficult relationships, burnout, or people pleasing. But I also think they've become one of the most misunderstood concepts.

Misconception #1: Boundaries mean changing someone else’s behaviour

One of the most common misconception I encounter is people confusing boundaries with requests. For example, someone might say: “My boundary is that you can't yell at me."

While I completely understand the intention behind this statement, it's not actually a boundary. It's a request. The other person still gets to decide whether they're going to yell. A boundary isn't about controlling someone else's behaviour. It's about deciding how you will respond if that behaviour continues.

For example: “If you continue yelling at me, I'm going to end this conversation and come back to it when we're both calmer." The focus shifts from trying to manage another person's behaviour to taking responsibility for your own. That distinction is important because we don't get to decide how other people behave. We do get to decide what we're willing to participate in.

Misconception #2. Boundaries mean distance.

Another misconception is that boundaries create distance. In my experience, the opposite is often true. When people struggle with boundaries, they tend to overextend themselves. They say yes when they mean no. They avoid difficult conversations. They anticipate other people's needs while neglecting their own. Eventually, resentment builds.

Ironically, this is often what creates distance in relationships. Healthy boundaries create predictability. They help people understand what we need in order to stay engaged in the relationship. Rather than shutting the other person out, they're often an invitation to have a more honest relationship.

Misconception #3. Healthy boundaries should be set without guilt.

Many people, particularly those who struggle with people-pleasing, self-sacrifice, or approval seeking, feel guilty when they begin setting healthier boundaries. That guilt is understandable, normal, and unavoidable. If you've spent years measuring your worth by how much you accommodate other people, saying no can feel like you're doing something wrong.

But feeling guilty doesn't necessarily mean you've crossed a line. Sometimes it simply means you're doing something different. One of the goals of therapy isn't to eliminate that guilt altogether. It's to help people tolerate it long enough to discover that relationships can survive honesty. Some relationships even become stronger because of it.

Myth #4: Boundaries Mean Cutting People Out of Your Life

Social media sometimes portrays boundaries as being black-and-white. “If someone violates your boundary, remove them from your life." While ending relationships is sometimes necessary, particularly in situations involving abuse or ongoing harm, most healthy relationships involve repair, flexibility, and ongoing conversations. So it’s important to remind yourself that boundaries aren't about punishment. They're about creating conditions where conflict can be repaired respectfully.

In sum, healthy boundaries aren't walls nor are they punishments. They're not about keeping people out, either. At their best, they're an expression of self-respect and respect for the relationship. The healthiest relationships are the ones where people can express those needs openly and trust that the relationship is strong enough to hold the conversation.