Why Loss Doesn’t Define Growing Older
I’m often struck by how people react when I tell them I work with older adults. There’s usually a pause, followed by a sympathetic, “That must be so hard,” as if psychotherapy with older adults is inherently sad. After all, there are so many losses to grieve in later life, right?
But that assumption, while well-intentioned, is deeply misinformed. It’s rooted in a cultural habit of equating aging with decline, as if the later decades are defined primarily by what’s missing rather than what’s unfolding.
Before I share some compelling evidence to the contrary, let’s look at what happens when we assume aging is mostly about loss. This leads all of us to have a rather depressing outlook on later life, falling prey to the idea that it’s all “downhill” after a certain point. It doesn’t inspire optimism about the future nor would it encourage setting goals for our later years with the same zeal or enthusiasm as we would in our 30s. It can breed passive resignation towards a stage of life that is worthy of so much more.
Now for that evidence.
The years between your 60s and mid 80s are jam packed with psychological, emotional and social growth. You know yourself better. You’re clearer on your values, which makes it far easier to decide how to spend your time and who to spend it with. Your emotional world tends to feel more balanced; you experience fewer extremes and can hold mixed feelings without being overwhelmed. Your perspective becomes more nuanced, informed by decades of problem-solving and lived experience. Black-and-white thinking gives way to an ability to live comfortably in the grey. You’re better able to see the silver linings of difficult situations (referred to as the positivity effect). There’s often a quiet sense of liberation too—freedom from the earlier life responsibilities of raising kids or building a career. You become more socially discerning, investing energy in the relationships that matter most.
And that’s just scratching the surface.
Now, to be clear, I’m not suggesting that loss disappears with age. It’s undeniably part of the picture. In later life, loss might show up through the death of loved ones, the diagnosis of a chronic illness, adult children moving away, or relocating from the family home into assisted living.
But here’s the thing: loss is present throughout the lifespan. New parents experience a loss of spontaneity, sleep, or their former lifestyle. New university grads lose the structure that school provided and feel unmoored as enter into the working world. Children of divorce grieve the family and routines that they knew. Those in midlife reckon with unchosen paths in life and grieve the loss of their parents.
To view late adulthood as defined by loss is to miss the bigger picture. Every stage of life demands that we let go of something. What changes in later life is that we’re better equipped, psychologically and emotionally, to face those losses with perspective, grace, and resilience.
Aging isn’t just about what’s gone. It’s about what’s grown.
This post is for informational purposes only and should not be considered therapeutic advice or a replacement for individual therapy. For more information on locating a psychologist near you, please contact your family doctor, the Ontario Psychological Association, the Canadian Association for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, or Psychology Today
